Understand the Pattern, Not Just the Argument

Sometimes the argument isn't really about the dishes, money, sex, parenting, or who forgot to do what.

 

Couples can find themselves reliving the same conflict over and over again. One partner pursues while the other withdraws. One becomes increasingly anxious while the other shuts down. Small disagreements become emotionally charged, and both partners may leave the conversation feeling misunderstood, criticized, or alone.

 

At Intimacy Counseling & Consulting, PLLC, I provide systemic couples and marriage therapy designed to help you understand what is happening between you, not simply determine who is right or wrong.

 

Together, we look beneath the immediate conflict to understand the emotional patterns, family experiences, neurodivergence, stressors, and relationship dynamics that may be keeping you stuck.

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​​Couples Therapy That Looks Beyond Communication Skills

Communication matters, but sometimes knowing how to communicate isn't enough.

 

You may already know that you're supposed to listen, validate, use “I” statements, and avoid becoming defensive. Yet when anxiety rises inside the relationship, those skills can become surprisingly difficult to use.

 

My work is grounded primarily in Bowen Family Systems Theory, which views relationship difficulties within the larger emotional systems we live in.

 

Rather than focusing exclusively on changing your partner, therapy may explore:

• Recurring patterns of pursuing, withdrawing, distancing, or escalating

• How each partner responds when relationship anxiety increases

• Family-of-origin experiences that continue to influence the relationship

• Emotional reactivity and difficulty staying grounded during conflict

• Triangles involving children, parents, work, sex, finances, or other relationships

• The balance between emotional connection and individuality

• How each partner can change their own participation in recurring patterns

 

The goal isn't to create a conflict-free relationship. Instead, therapy helps each partner better understand themselves, their relationship, and the patterns they participate in so that different choices become possible.

 

ADHD, Autism & Neurodivergent Couples

Neurodivergence can shape relationships in ways that traditional couples therapy does not always recognize.

 

When one or both partners have ADHD, Autism, AuDHD, or other neurodivergent experiences, differences involving attention, executive functioning, sensory needs, emotional regulation, communication, routines, memory, transitions, and intimacy can easily become interpreted as relationship problems or character flaws.

 

A forgotten task may feel like “you don't care.”

A need for space may be interpreted as rejection.

Difficulty transitioning into a difficult conversation may look like avoidance.

Different sensory or communication needs may frustrate both partners.

 

Over time, couples can become trapped in a cycle of criticism, defensiveness, overfunctioning, underfunctioning, resentment, or exhaustion.

 

My approach is neuro-affirming and systemic. Rather than trying to make a neurodivergent partner function more like a neurotypical partner, we work to understand how each person's nervous system, experiences, strengths, needs, and relationship patterns interact.

 

Neurodivergence provides important context, but it doesn't have to define the relationship.

 

LGBTQAI2S+ Couples & Relationships

Your relationship deserves therapy where your identity does not have to be explained, defended, or treated as the problem.

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I provide LGBTQAI2S+ affirming couples therapy for married and unmarried partners, same-gender couples, queer relationships, and consensually non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships.

 

Therapy can address the same concerns that bring any couple into counseling while also making room for experiences involving identity, family acceptance or rejection, minority stress, chosen family, cultural expectations, coming out, sexuality, gender, and the ways these experiences intersect with your relationship.

 

Affirming care means that your identity is respected while we remain curious about the relationship patterns that deserve attention.

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Chronic Illness & Relationships

Chronic illness rarely affects only the person who receives the diagnosis.

Medical appointments, medication, fatigue, changing roles, caregiving, finances, uncertainty, sexual intimacy, food, physical limitations, and fear about the future can all enter the emotional system of a relationship.

 

One partner may become the caretaker. Another may feel monitored or dependent. Couples can struggle to determine where support ends and overfunctioning begins.

 

With training in Medical Family Therapy and family systems, I help couples explore how chronic health conditions affect both partners and the relationship they are trying to maintain alongside the illness.

 

The illness may be part of your relationship story, but your relationship is more than the illness.

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Infidelity, Intimacy & Relationship Injuries

Some couples come to therapy after something has happened that fundamentally changes how the relationship feels.

 

That may include:

• An affair or infidelity

• Sexual or emotional disconnection

• Broken trust

• Repeated relationship injuries

• Differences in sexual desire

• Secrecy or boundary concerns

• Major life transitions

• Grief and loss

• Parenting or co-parenting conflict

• Fertility or infertility concerns

 

Therapy provides space to slow down the emotional process surrounding the injury, understand what each partner is experiencing, and determine what moving forward may look like.

 

The goal is not to force reconciliation or separation. It is to help you think more clearly about yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

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Your Family Didn't Stay Outside When You Became a Couple

Every relationship brings together more than two people.

 

We each enter relationships carrying experiences from the families and relationships that shaped us.

 

How did your family handle conflict?

Who took care of everyone else?

Who withdrew?

Who worried?

Who kept the peace?

What happened when someone was angry?

How was affection expressed?

 

What did marriage, gender, sexuality, money, caregiving, or independence mean in your family?

 

These patterns do not automatically determine your relationship, but understanding them can help explain why certain situations feel so emotionally powerful today.

 

Couples therapy can help you become more aware of those multigenerational patterns and make more intentional choices about the relationship you want to build together.

 

Couples Therapy in English or Spanish

 

Couples therapy is available in English and Spanish.

 

For bilingual and Latine/a/o couples, therapy can also make room for cultural and multigenerational experiences involving family expectations, familismo, gender roles, immigration experiences, language, identity, caregiving, religion, and relationships with extended family.

 

Culture isn't something added to therapy as an afterthought. It is part of the larger system in which relationships develop.

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Concerns We Can Explore Together

 

Couples may seek therapy for:

• Recurring conflict

• Communication difficulties

• ADHD, Autism, or AuDHD in relationships

• Infidelity and affairs

• Intimacy and sexual concerns

• Premarital counseling

• Parenting and co-parenting

• Family-of-origin concerns

• Chronic illness and caregiving

• Anxiety and emotional reactivity

• Grief and loss

• Fertility and infertility

• Blended-family concerns

• LGBTQAI2S+ relationship concerns

• Consensual non-monogamy and polyamorous relationships

• Major life transitions

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You don't need to wait until your relationship is in crisis to begin couples therapy.​​

 

Frequently Asked Questions

 

Do you work with couples when only one partner has ADHD or Autism?

Yes. Couples therapy can be helpful whether one or both partners identify as neurodivergent. The focus is not on identifying one person as the problem, but on understanding how each partner's experiences and responses interact within the relationship.

 

Do both partners need to want therapy?

Couples therapy works best when both partners are willing to participate, but you do not need to arrive with the same goals, understanding of the problem, or level of optimism about the relationship.

 

Will you tell us who is right?

My role isn't to determine which partner is the problem. I will help each of you examine your own functioning and the patterns developing between you. At times, that may also mean challenging each partner to think differently about their own role in the relationship.

 

Do you provide LGBTQ+ affirming couples therapy?

Yes. LGBTQAI2S+ individuals, couples, and families are an important part of my practice. Your sexual orientation, gender identity, or relationship structure will not be treated as pathology.

 

Is couples therapy available in Spanish?

Yes. I provide therapy in both English and Spanish and can work with Spanish-speaking and bilingual couples.

 

Do you offer online couples therapy?

Yes. Telehealth couples therapy is available to clients located in states where I am licensed to practice, including Texas and New Mexico.

 

Do you accept insurance for couples therapy?

Insurance coverage for couples therapy varies depending on the plan, medical necessity, diagnosis, and how the service is billed. I recommend verifying your specific behavioral health benefits before beginning treatment. Self-pay options are also available.

 

Ready to Understand What's Keeping You Stuck?

 

 

You don't have to know exactly what is wrong with your relationship before reaching out.

 

 

A complimentary 15-minute consultation gives us an opportunity to briefly discuss what has been happening, answer questions about the therapy process, and determine whether working together may be a good fit.

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